Macaroni-and-cheese Pizza

My planner this year is spiral bound and name brand Erin Condren.

It's probably slightly more expensive than most normal humans would want to spend on something to help plan their lives, especially with the world going all digital and everything.

But there is a creative monster in my mind who is delighted to see goals written down on paper and stickers decorating each day.

In the front of my planner, there is a page spread with the following words written at the top: "Don't call it a dream, call it a plan."

Naturally, I began to fill this page with stickers and goals for this year. And if you know my dorky, geeky, nerdy self at all, some of these may be of no surprise to you.

Read 20 books this year.

Become fluent in Spanish.

Write more.

Blog more.

Travel.

All that on top of continue to get used to being a nurse and learn nursing stuff; which that doesn't sound like a lot when you put it into a short sentence like that. But being a {new grad} nurse on top of completely flopping schedule to night shift throws not only the biological part of my body out of whack, but also the mental and emotional part of my body.

Jan 22, 2018 -- there is only so much one human can accomplish in a year. I have so many goals, and with getting used to a new job and a new way of life, trying to accomplish everything on my 'goal' list is hard. But life is short and if there is anything I want to do, it is live a life that I am in love with; not one that I struggle to survive in. Here's to 2018 and finding the balance between 'goal-reaching' and 'living'.

In the world of a nurse, we set goals; goals for our shift, goals for our patient(s). In nursing school, we learn that these goals need to be S.M.A.R.T.; specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-based. 

And, well, the personal goals I have outlined for myself for this year area not S.M.A.R.T. 

I've abandoned Spanish for the time being because of frustration.

Writing, my truest of loves, has taken a back seat to reading.

Blogging seems to be put on hold for Sunday day sleeping {thx, night shift life}.

And at this point, can going across town to the 'gym' be considered traveling?

It is not within the goal itself which lies the problem, but within my heart.

I need to resolve that I am going to love the life I am living, and then the goal-reaching will fall into place.

And to be honest, the past couple of weeks have dried out my love for life and displaced the moisture to my eyes.

And there are two beings within my soul fighting; the barely surviving part which is longing for life and paining from hurt and the self-scolding part which is mad at the other part for feeling this way.

I am currently indulging in a read which is allowing my to open up the depths of my heart to myself, The Voice of the Heart by Chip Dodd. There have been many resonating points within the book, but one of them which has stuck with me the deepest is the following.

"I should be grateful." This statement harms us by keeping us from revealing the parts of the heart that we fear will be rejected. It stops us from desiring the abundant life. It demeans our God-made hunger for more. It's okay to be sad, lonely, hurting . . in pain even when we have many blessings in our lives.

We live in a part of the world and a time in history where life should be easy; after all, we have the resources and the freedom that even my grandparents did not have. 

The other night, I asked one of my coworkers how many days a week she works, she replied to me that it depends, but sometimes five to seven days a week. And we work 12-hour shifts.

And here I am working three and four days a week, still struggling to stay afloat and upbeat about this new life I have willingly accepted.

When there is a voice inside of me, comparing my life to others and telling me that I should not feel any emotional and mental pain because my life is so much easier, it is beyond refreshing to read Chip Dodd's words as he breathes life and purpose into my feelings.

"Many of us were raised in ways that taught us to reject, numb, or hide our hearts . . . Feelings are the voice of the heart, and you will not have fullness until you are adept to hearing and experiencing all of them . . . Whenever you don't feel, you are blocked from living life to the fullest."  

I am still trying to figure out what "living life to the fullest" means to me.  

There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to become involved in that sometimes I feel like my life is a buffet and I'm trying to choose between the macaroni-and-cheese and pizza.

Here's an idea - why can't I just have both?