I am the storm

The storm whispers to the warrior, you can not withstand the storm

I know this girl who is ambitious through and through, but if she is asked about her ambitious character, she would tell you that there is always room to be more ambitious.

There's this girl who does the best she can every day; when her best isn't the best, she feels as if she hasn't done her best. But from the outside looking in on her life, she is practically a professional at all she does.
Like, they say there is always someone better than you in whatever it is you are comparing, you know, to encourage humility and whatever.
She may not be 'the best,' but she is pretty damn close.

I know this girl who put her mind to a goal. She was tired of looking at herself and wishing she could look different, be different. So she wrote her goals down and took on the challenge.
However, once reached, her goals don't disappear; like check you're done and I don't have to worry about you any more.  Her goals are continuous, and every morning when she wakes up, she refocuses her mind to her goals, puts on her running shoes, and gets to work.

There's this girl who willingly chose her future's plans at an age long before most 'normal' young adults do so.  She continues to stand by her decision passionately, and I believe because of this thoroughly genuine passion, God has turned over beautiful opportunities.

Imagine a twenty-four year old girl walking across a stage receiving a doctorate degree; the first doctorate degree in this particular girl's family.  In this daydream, when you pan over to your right, there is this light brown haired girl yelling her lungs out as that one particular girl walks across the stage. People may be staring at her in an odd type way, but she doesn't really care. Those are tears of happiness streaming down her face so she really isn't caring who is looking at her in said odd way.

There’s this girl who I wish I could be more like.

I wish I could smile more and love more and forgive more and enjoy life more and not get caught in the thoughts of life but the beautiful moments of life. I wish I could miss less and look forward more. I wish I knew what I was doing in life; I wish I knew the whole plan, so I don’t have to worry about what I do not understand and miss what I have left behind. “Greater things are ahead,” they say, but it doesn’t always feel like that.

So I'm not exactly sure where this came from, maybe by mean of the way in which I was brought up, I have this perspective on life, like there is a certain path I must take.  Not like you must be a nurse and only a nurse pathway of life or you lived here your whole life so that's just how it's going to be pathway of life. More of a this has been your life, so that's what will become of your future; like you've always had this idea about how your life should end up looking like, despite your maturity and changes in worldview.  And instead of actively changing this said pathway, you just let your "ideal" pathway change you.

Like living passively instead of actively.
Passively accepting the life you thought you would always live instead of actively changing who you want to be.

I know you aren’t ‘supposed’ to compare yourself to others, but it kind of inconsequentally just happens. 

And I wish I was more like those I see who are full of life, literally no matter what comes in their path. They always have a smile on their face, they always maintain their motivation to stay passionate about whatever it is they are passionate about. And they embrace life in a way that I’ve been afraid.

So I have this friend who is always encouraging me and pushing me. He tells me something pretty often, and every time it kind of hits me in the stomach, because it’s that way of life that I have been afraid to live. A worldview that I just can’t wrap my whole head around.
You can be whoever you want to be. You can do whatever you want to do.
{Of course it wasn't said in that exact manner, but I figured I'de keep the blog post mostly PG.}

Why am I afraid to be and do whatever I want?

"True terror isn't being scared; it's not having a choice in the matter."

For so long I’ve lived my life down that path, the one where you let your path change you and not the other way around. 

And it’s not that I’m actually afraid. 

It’s that I’ve never really thought that I do indeed have a say in the matter. 

That I can choose to live whatever life I desire. 

That I can let my passions direct me in whatever way I desire. 

Just because I dream and desire something doesn’t mean it will actually come to fruition. I mean, I’m not in control of a lot of things; rather, I’m not in control of, like, anything. 

But I do have a say in how I think and what I do and how I react to the world. 

And that’s a part of me that’s been missing for so long. 

"I don't want to play if I'm going to lose; but I don't want to lose 'cause I didn't play."

I know this girl who shows up to play. The thing about ‘playing’ is you always run the risk of losing. And I think that’s why so often I opt out to be a bench warmer.

It's scary to know that you can lose, but it's even scarier to not realize that you have a choice in the matter.

But in the end, would I rather lose because I didn’t play; or run the risk of actually winning and get out there and do something?
*

I know this girl; a girl who, if  there were more people like her in the world, the world would be less of a scary and creepy place.

The warrior whispers back, I am the storm

You are the storm, honey.
You have a choice in all your matters, darling.
You are a queen and
queens don't break, they just get stronger; there ain't nothing they can't  c o n q u e r .

xoxo