No Boys Allowed
So, girl talk. real talk.
It can be hard when you're a 22-year old girl of a woman whose desires of her heart do not make up her actual circumstances.
At this age, when you don't have what you want, it can seem like the end of the world.
At this age, cockroaches and social interactions still give you anxiety.
At this age, being lonely can be literally one of the worst feelings ever.
At this age, the world is still so new - there are so many opportunities for someone this young and "well off" that trying to find your way is like letting a kid loose in a candy store that actually turns out to be one of those high hedge mazes and you realize that life isn't full of candy and chocolate once you've gotten a little too far into said maze.
I know some girls who feel like they are pretty deep into this maze; some are trying to back track through three years of the maze to try to find their sanity and some type of piece to fill a broken heart; some are on a steady battle through the maze, cutting out some of the overgrowth 'cause apparently people haven't been through this part of the maze for a while; some are trying to figure out which turn to take next while actively wondering if the last turn they took was the wrong one.
*
So I know this girl.
She is kind of opposite from me in almost every way possible, but opposites attract, right?
She is a long way away from home; home being the place she was born and raised. But if you asked her to define the word 'home' and compared it to my definition, there would probably be a whole world of difference between the two.
But in the end, I think 'home' encompasses a feeling in which as individual can say that he/she feels whole; where one can be surrounded by people or places or things in which they find comfort and peace.
Granted, you can always be home, in a room full of people and things, and still feel 100% alone; but that is another topic, which, if wait for it, I'm sure I'll cover it.
This girl is going through some challenges right now, but in the end, what girl isn't? I mean, sometimes it feels like us girls can make 'challenges' out of the most minor of things.
It can be hard when you're a 22-year old girl of a woman whose desires of her heart do not make up her actual circumstances.
At this age, when you don't have what you want, it can seem like the end of the world.
At this age, cockroaches and social interactions still give you anxiety.
At this age, being lonely can be literally one of the worst feelings ever.
At this age, the world is still so new - there are so many opportunities for someone this young and "well off" that trying to find your way is like letting a kid loose in a candy store that actually turns out to be one of those high hedge mazes and you realize that life isn't full of candy and chocolate once you've gotten a little too far into said maze.
I know some girls who feel like they are pretty deep into this maze; some are trying to back track through three years of the maze to try to find their sanity and some type of piece to fill a broken heart; some are on a steady battle through the maze, cutting out some of the overgrowth 'cause apparently people haven't been through this part of the maze for a while; some are trying to figure out which turn to take next while actively wondering if the last turn they took was the wrong one.
*
So I know this girl.
She is kind of opposite from me in almost every way possible, but opposites attract, right?
She is a long way away from home; home being the place she was born and raised. But if you asked her to define the word 'home' and compared it to my definition, there would probably be a whole world of difference between the two.
But in the end, I think 'home' encompasses a feeling in which as individual can say that he/she feels whole; where one can be surrounded by people or places or things in which they find comfort and peace.
Granted, you can always be home, in a room full of people and things, and still feel 100% alone; but that is another topic, which, if wait for it, I'm sure I'll cover it.
This girl is going through some challenges right now, but in the end, what girl isn't? I mean, sometimes it feels like us girls can make 'challenges' out of the most minor of things.
This girl is strong; if you look at her, get a whiff of her past, observe where she is at now in life, and mistakenly hear her state her age, you will fall right in line with all the rest of those older adults who have told her and many others like her, "you are in a good place for your age."
But life is never only comprised of getting up, going to work, and eating. So many social interactions are made; intimate relationships do exist; conflicts arise all around us; entropy and subsequent chaos can ensue. And there is so much that one can hide behind a smile and a friendly conversation.
But life is never only comprised of getting up, going to work, and eating. So many social interactions are made; intimate relationships do exist; conflicts arise all around us; entropy and subsequent chaos can ensue. And there is so much that one can hide behind a smile and a friendly conversation.
I know this girl, and she is hurting. She is hurting because she invested a good deal of years into something that has all of a sudden come to an end; the worst part, little explanation was given to her as to why this ending occurred. On top of the loss is the lonely, and I don't know about you, but the feeling of lonely has to be my personal kryptonite. Because you can be surrounded by people, by music, by any number of things, but still feel lonely, still feel empty. Maybe it's the thoughts that haunt us, the lies that circle through our heads that steal away our feeling of whole and replace it with that feeling of lonely. And when we observe those who have hurt us, the happiness which they outwardly express creates a feeling of insignificance within our own selves.
What's wrong with me?
Can I not be loved?
Am I not enough?
Sweetie, please no, don't ever think you are not enough. You are strong, and sometimes that is too much for some people. You are ambitious, and sometimes that is too much for some people. You are headstrong, and sometimes that is too much for some people. On top of all that, you are gorgeous and smart and you have a heart full of love, and yet, sometimes that is too much for some people.I know you don't feel like this now, but this challenge that makes you feel so weak, that feels like will never be complete, that makes you feel like you will always experience hurt and lonely; you will become strong again, because of this weakness. Time will pass, your heart will heal, you will somehow learn how to move on, and you will once again regain strength. Through the hurt and the lonely and the terrible feeling of weakness, you are able to experience life in it's most fullest of forms; the one that sucks on the worst days and gives you those tingly feelings on the best days.
You will make it, and I won't leave your side.
You will make it, because beneath your hurt and your lonely lies a beautiful soul of which most people have only scratched the surface.
You will make it.
One day, I promise, you will look back at this struggle in your life and wonder why you spent all those tears, and realize, in the end you are stronger because of it.
*
So I know this girl.
She is pretty similar to me in many ways, but we still have our differences; after all, even identical twins are never truly identical.
She is just a little more ambitious than me, even though she will never agree to that statement.
She is just a little more worrisome that me, even though her worries and my worries mostly lay on two separate playing fields.
She is just a little more prettier than me, even though she would never vouch for that statement.
She cares about people more than I do, I mean truly cares; she loves deeper, hurts harder, and works more diligently than I have ever observed in a person.
Her classmates in high school called her 'naturally smart' and never realized how hard she worked her ass off. Her friends in college were many, and the ones who stopped hanging out with her throughout the years never truly got to know her, or else they wouldn't have stopped hanging out with her. So many people blow her off without realizing how smart she truly is; how much knowledge can be stored in such a tiny body.
She smiles a lot, and I mean a lot; sometimes to the point to where all the boys think she has a crush on them. When really, that smile is just her joy leaking out of her spirit. Her voice is always like a song, so uplifting. She truly cares, she truly loves, and she doesn't even have to know you that well.
So, it would follow that this girl whose face is full of smiles must never feel the anxiety in the uncertainty and the apprehension in the unknown. Surely she doesn't overthink her choices and wonder if she has made the correct social decisions. She thinks too long and too hard about the relationships she has made and the actions she has performed, at least to modern-day society standards. This overthinking leads to more worry and tears. Anxiety is not a fun in which to live.
They tell her, chill out, it will all be fine and just relax, it isn't that big of a deal. But those statements are just insults to her; they go in one ear and out the other, because in the end, silencing anxiety only makes the worrying voices louder in her head.
What's wrong with me?
Will I be able to get through this?
Is what I am doing enough?
Are my goals enough?
Are my plans correct?
Can I even do this?
Am I enough?
Stop your thoughts right now and listen to me, little bear. It is going to be okay. Life is going to have its challenges; people are going to tell you that you can't do it; and odds are, knowing who you are as a person, that sometimes you are going to take on more than you can handle. But these challenges will make you stronger, the nay-sayers will make you more confident, and the times you take on too much, you will learn what you are made of.
Like I have said to you over and over again, in the end, everything is going to be okay. You have and army of people who would do anything for you, who love you more than life itself; I know, because I am one of those people.
Shit will happen. You will fail a test on which you spent a handful of money; you will sleep through your alarm and miss class, or worse, the gym; your car will break down, probably more than once; you will constantly worry about having enough money to get through school and then through the next big life deal.
But in the end, you will get through it all.
You have to keep that mindset.
It may not be exactly what you thought, how things pan out.
But the challenges will make you stronger and you will find out that you are so much stronger than you think and so much more loved than you sometimes feel.
You are golden.
You are a queen.
*
So I know this girl.
I know her relatively well, I mean, she is pretty much me.
She has her good days and her bad days; she has those days filled with tears and filled with loads of smiles; she has those days where she is so confused about life, and then she has those days where she is so sure about everything; she has those days where she is so confident about herself, and then those days where she needs someone to give her multiple words of encouragement to remind her of the bad ass she truly is.
She overthinks literally all the time, wishing most of the time that she could just turn her thoughts off.
Why do we place so much of our self worth in others?
How other people think about us. . .
How much people seem to care about us. . .
How much people seem to not care about us. . .
Maybe, in the end, she is just overthinking too much; maybe she has a skewed view of how "others" view her. Maybe it isn't the "others" that make her feel less than she really is, but maybe it is actually the lies that somehow creep into her thoughts; not that she comes up with these lies on her own, but she has allowed select few experiences from her past, society in general, and non-accurate statements find their way into her thoughts and destroy the truth, which is that she is beautiful, smart, funny, and full of life.
Oh, you young soul, don't you know that you are worth so much; don't you know that you are so beautiful and so loved. Be confident in who you are, because it is attractive; love who you are, because that is what makes you unique, and being unique is rare and beautiful.
Maybe you aren't a badass in certain people's terms; ignore them, 'cause you are such the badass, and a good one at that.
What's wrong with me?
Can I not be loved?
Am I not enough?
Sweetie, please no, don't ever think you are not enough. You are strong, and sometimes that is too much for some people. You are ambitious, and sometimes that is too much for some people. You are headstrong, and sometimes that is too much for some people. On top of all that, you are gorgeous and smart and you have a heart full of love, and yet, sometimes that is too much for some people.I know you don't feel like this now, but this challenge that makes you feel so weak, that feels like will never be complete, that makes you feel like you will always experience hurt and lonely; you will become strong again, because of this weakness. Time will pass, your heart will heal, you will somehow learn how to move on, and you will once again regain strength. Through the hurt and the lonely and the terrible feeling of weakness, you are able to experience life in it's most fullest of forms; the one that sucks on the worst days and gives you those tingly feelings on the best days.
You will make it, and I won't leave your side.
You will make it, because beneath your hurt and your lonely lies a beautiful soul of which most people have only scratched the surface.
You will make it.
One day, I promise, you will look back at this struggle in your life and wonder why you spent all those tears, and realize, in the end you are stronger because of it.
*
So I know this girl.
She is pretty similar to me in many ways, but we still have our differences; after all, even identical twins are never truly identical.
She is just a little more ambitious than me, even though she will never agree to that statement.
She is just a little more worrisome that me, even though her worries and my worries mostly lay on two separate playing fields.
She is just a little more prettier than me, even though she would never vouch for that statement.
She cares about people more than I do, I mean truly cares; she loves deeper, hurts harder, and works more diligently than I have ever observed in a person.
Her classmates in high school called her 'naturally smart' and never realized how hard she worked her ass off. Her friends in college were many, and the ones who stopped hanging out with her throughout the years never truly got to know her, or else they wouldn't have stopped hanging out with her. So many people blow her off without realizing how smart she truly is; how much knowledge can be stored in such a tiny body.
She smiles a lot, and I mean a lot; sometimes to the point to where all the boys think she has a crush on them. When really, that smile is just her joy leaking out of her spirit. Her voice is always like a song, so uplifting. She truly cares, she truly loves, and she doesn't even have to know you that well.
So, it would follow that this girl whose face is full of smiles must never feel the anxiety in the uncertainty and the apprehension in the unknown. Surely she doesn't overthink her choices and wonder if she has made the correct social decisions. She thinks too long and too hard about the relationships she has made and the actions she has performed, at least to modern-day society standards. This overthinking leads to more worry and tears. Anxiety is not a fun in which to live.
They tell her, chill out, it will all be fine and just relax, it isn't that big of a deal. But those statements are just insults to her; they go in one ear and out the other, because in the end, silencing anxiety only makes the worrying voices louder in her head.
What's wrong with me?
Will I be able to get through this?
Is what I am doing enough?
Are my goals enough?
Are my plans correct?
Can I even do this?
Am I enough?
Stop your thoughts right now and listen to me, little bear. It is going to be okay. Life is going to have its challenges; people are going to tell you that you can't do it; and odds are, knowing who you are as a person, that sometimes you are going to take on more than you can handle. But these challenges will make you stronger, the nay-sayers will make you more confident, and the times you take on too much, you will learn what you are made of.
Like I have said to you over and over again, in the end, everything is going to be okay. You have and army of people who would do anything for you, who love you more than life itself; I know, because I am one of those people.
Shit will happen. You will fail a test on which you spent a handful of money; you will sleep through your alarm and miss class, or worse, the gym; your car will break down, probably more than once; you will constantly worry about having enough money to get through school and then through the next big life deal.
But in the end, you will get through it all.
You have to keep that mindset.
It may not be exactly what you thought, how things pan out.
But the challenges will make you stronger and you will find out that you are so much stronger than you think and so much more loved than you sometimes feel.
You are golden.
You are a queen.
*
So I know this girl.
I know her relatively well, I mean, she is pretty much me.
She has her good days and her bad days; she has those days filled with tears and filled with loads of smiles; she has those days where she is so confused about life, and then she has those days where she is so sure about everything; she has those days where she is so confident about herself, and then those days where she needs someone to give her multiple words of encouragement to remind her of the bad ass she truly is.
She overthinks literally all the time, wishing most of the time that she could just turn her thoughts off.
Why do we place so much of our self worth in others?
How other people think about us. . .
How much people seem to care about us. . .
How much people seem to not care about us. . .
Maybe, in the end, she is just overthinking too much; maybe she has a skewed view of how "others" view her. Maybe it isn't the "others" that make her feel less than she really is, but maybe it is actually the lies that somehow creep into her thoughts; not that she comes up with these lies on her own, but she has allowed select few experiences from her past, society in general, and non-accurate statements find their way into her thoughts and destroy the truth, which is that she is beautiful, smart, funny, and full of life.
Oh, you young soul, don't you know that you are worth so much; don't you know that you are so beautiful and so loved. Be confident in who you are, because it is attractive; love who you are, because that is what makes you unique, and being unique is rare and beautiful.
Maybe you aren't a badass in certain people's terms; ignore them, 'cause you are such the badass, and a good one at that.
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