Happier

So my cousin, like me, is a writer.
Actually, in more ways than one, we are quite similar.

When she told me about her plans for self-publishing her first book this next year, my first emotions were jealousy.
I instantly realized these were the wrong emotions and changed my attitude to extensive joy.
This feat of first book published is such a wonderful feeling for any author-at-heart; and the feeling is just as equal when its a loved one who reaches their goals in this area.

Let me clarify.
The jealousy I felt the first instant I processed the news was this: I was jealous that my cousin was strong and courageous enough to go after her dreams full-force, and I am I over here waiting for it to fall in my hands.

You see, I too am an author-at-heart, and although I have published a scholarly article during my undergraduate studies, my true goal and dream is to publish a work of fiction; a book, a novel.
And I have seemed to put a pause on this dream.

My cousin, however, enabled me to realize something (you always do, you are such an inspiration to me).
I have nothing to be jealous about, because it is up to me to search for that same strength and courage to pursue my dream.

Its freeing to realize that you actually get to decide what you want to chase after in life.

Like every year around this time, I reflect on all the happenings of the last 365 days of life.
I really cannot complain, I am overly blessed especially when I compare myself to, for example, some of the patients I take care of in the intensive care unit.
However, this year has been a challenge for me, mentally and emotionally.

I will be the first one to tell you that I am still a baby; I am still growing into this adult version of Elizabeth.
I'm actively trying to figure everything out; and this overthinking-brain that I have inherited from my parents does not always seem to be a help.

I traveled around the world, more than I have in a long time.
I lost some friends; and learned a lot about them and more so myself during the experience.
I met new people and made new friends; the people in my life has beautiful souls and are able to heal those dark wounds others had left.
I feel like, weekly, I lose myself and then find myself again.

Sometimes it feels like I lose control of my emotions.
Sometimes it feels like I've lost sight of my dreams and goals outside of my career.

I've entitled this blog post "Happier" for a reason.

Over the past week or so, a thought popped into my mind.
I can choose to be happy in the midst of whatever circumstances I am facing.
Some people would call that joy.

Why do I say this?
I feel like, for some time, I have struggled with my happiness.
Not as a result of other people, but as a result of myself.
Myself has taken in all the environments around me, and twisted them into unhappy thoughts.

There are many moments during the day, and many days during the week that I am not happy.
And I am sick and tired of not being happy.

Away with the old, in with the new.
I'm going to stop my old way of thinking and acting, and actively do something different.
Emotions just don't happen; we have a lot more input in them than we think.  And I think I have just been to lazy to change them and have allowed them to become me, to over take me.

I know someone who can vouch for that.

I will take it upon myself to do more of the things that make me happy.
My job is not my life and I must not let it overtake me.

There is so much stress and sadness and anxiety that comes with my job; after all, they don't call it the 'intensive' care unit for nothing.
It is intense.
I see a lot of things you could never imagine; and guess what, it's my everyday life.

Non-nurses don't understand what it means to be a nurse.
And day-shifters, one with normal schedules and normal lives, have no clue what comes with being a night-shifter.
Sometimes, it's hard to gain any understanding or empathy from the ones I'm super close with when they truly don't understand what I'm going through.
Frankly, most times, I barely understand what I'm going through.

Despite all this previously stated negativity, I have created for myself a goal.

I am going to choose to be happy.

I am going to do more of the things that make me happy and focus less on the stress and sadness that seems to swallow me whole.
I will make more time for my family.  I will make more time for my friends.
I will make more time for my lost hobbies; I will scrapbook my favorite memories.
I will stop putting off my dreams and write more.
I will complain less.
I will save more money.
I will take more trips (and spend said saved money).

I will enjoy every moment, from the loudest and most flamboyant ones to the quietest and most beautiful ones.
In the scary and sad moments, I will fall in love with how delicate life truly is, and be thankful for the people I still have.

I will enjoy myself more; I will focus on loving myself and building myself up.
I will shoo the negative thoughts away and smile, because I know I am blessed with a beautiful life.

My dear 2019, I choose to be happy.